Last
week Dada
sent me a story
about a buddy bench
which was created by a
second grader in Pennsylvania
who was concerned that some of
his buddies might feel lonely during
recess. The buddy bench invites anyone who
is feeling lonely or left out or needing someone to
talk to have a seat, either joining like-lonelied peers or
announce that he'd like some company asap. I love this.
I think it's one of the most brilliant things I've ever heard of.
Why? A physical space that offers a place of safety and vulnerability, where vulnerability is okay because, heck, aren't we all vulnerable? A place that admits we all need a little help from our friends and not-yet-friends? A place where when words or actions fail, you can announce your way in the world by sitting in the peace zone? You can just sit there and be seen for who you are without having to go about it totally internally alone if you don't want to and if you have no idea how to deal with it. Wow, wow, wow. How revolutionary!
Of course as ideas go, this one got me to thinking and dreaming way too much. Well, why stop with a buddy bench? And why stop at elementary school? What if there were public spaces—call them public works of art if you must—that invited folks to sit here if they felt happy and wanted to talk about why. Or sit there if they wanted to have a hug. Or over there if they felt like making a new friend. How about over there if you want to play tag. Or how about one in the mall that says "sit here if you don't want to be here?" Or another one if you are "lost" or "found" or both, but either way you need to be seen.
Or how about one in your very own home... one that invited a place for "I'm mad, but don't want to be mad anymore, but I don't want to give in first... so let's kiss and make up." Or a corner that said simply, "I'm sorry," or "I'm afraid to tell you something..."
Or a laughing bench. Or a crying bench. Or a grieving bench. Or a circle of benches for back rubs? A drumming bench? An "I miss my mommy" bench? Or one that says "I wish the holidays were over and I don't have a new year's resolution." Or one to give away free stuff? Or, of course, a writing bench... a place to write and share with others. Of course, a quiet bench is always nice, but most of them are quiet already, so how about a loud one? A cheering section where you cheer for each other and go if you need a cheer?
What sort of bench would you put out there? In your home? In the future? What would it look like? What would happen there? Or not happen there?
Your message is in the shape of a tree w gifts underneath. Intentional? Sweet.
ReplyDeleteMa! that is so awesome! I did not see the "gifts," but I suppose the seer sees what he wants to see.... xoxo
Deletehe/she/we/they/you/thou...
DeleteHey there Rox --- I’m thinking of a Bench that allows me to sit and talk with historical persons who are no longer living. On this Bench I’d be allowed a specific length of time with each person, let’s say 30 minutes, the time limit will help to avoid that awkward moment when it is time for the given figure to return to heaven or hell or nothingness, based on their own understanding and philosophy of the afterlife. “The 30 minutes is now up, sorry, ya gotta return, nothing I can do about it!”
ReplyDeleteHistorical figures of particular interest, who will be near the top of my list include: Michelangelo, John Lennon, Hitler, Picasso, EA Poe, Ingrid Bergman, my maternal grandfather (never met him), FDR, and Ty Cobb. Not sure if we should share a meal, or knock back some cocktails on The Bench – am still pondering that one… A 30 minute conversation will require efficiency, and a conciseness of expression. Those historical figures who were not fluent in English, will become magically so, at present I am too busy to learn their language, so I’ll remain the ugly American and require them to speak in my language. Sorry and tough luck, but that’s the way it’s going down!
A fun prompt, thanks Rox! Regards, AOBT
Love this, AOBT! So totally creative! ......It reminds me a bit of that old game or book or what was it in the 1980s... The Book Of Questions? Does that sound right? ....One of the questions was "if you could have dinner with anyone who would it be?" allowing for the same "anything/anyone goes," past/present/future as your guest of honor.... I'll never forget talking to a date about this question and though I was flattered when he said "you," I thought, "Really? Come on! ANYONE!" You can imagine we did not last too long.
ReplyDeleteI love this sort of time travel on the page... what would you ask these peeps anyway? I suppose that's the next prompt!
Welly, this is a very cool Bench. I'd sit there anytime. Who would I talk to...? My dad. He died in 08. My younger self. She died around the same time, as it goes. I'd talk to Cary Tennis. And Raganni. And Buddha of course. My granpa Sol... My cousin Jeffery... though he is still alive, alive and well, living no more than a mile from me, but we cant' seem to get our schedules aligned. Wow. This is fun AOBT! I could go on and on...
What's so cool about this idea is that I really wish we could spend quality time—even half hour—with each person we know now to have intimate conversation. I agonize (likely too much) over how hard this simple, human need can be to find this day and age!
See you on the cyber-Bench, AOBT! Night, Rox
I do remember The Book of Questions, I love stuff like that! What would I ask the peeps that visit my bench...?, Geez, I’d try not to predetermine the questions – I’d rather just rely on spontaneity and flow. Although, there’s a good chance I’d become afflicted with Starstrucked-ness, and end up babbling and twitching and wasting a perfectly good 30 minute appointment with a dead guy/gal. That said, I KNOW I would prepare for Ingrid Bergman, I’m not going to risk babbling and twitching through 30 minutes with her!
ReplyDeleteGood call on your wish to find quality time with our living pals and to engage in intimate conversation. To your point regarding why this become so difficult to do in this day and age --- I’m going to suggest that that answer lies somewhere within the advent of technology and electronic communication. We say things quickly and with abbreviation and quick abbreviations do not tend to invite intimate exchanges. So, in an ironic sense, as cool as the blog thing is, it likely contributes to reduced opportunities to connect more intimately. (That said, please don’t stop the blog thing cuz I like these little interactions we share!)…
Signing off now to hit my SOIFA for, a lil mid-afternoon slumber. Sleepily, AOBT
Mon Dieu, AOBT, I've been doing a ton of SOIFA time... so nice to indulge it while I can... perhaps there is a correlation between lack of quality time with the living and lack of quality time on the SOIFA! (easier to make time for the petty, unimportant things that seem so important)!!!
ReplyDeleteHave you read A General Theory of Love? It argues (poetically) your theory exactly... that we are losing our connection to one another, including our ability to empathize, due to "electronic stewards," and other "instant" forms of pseudo-connecting/one dimensional/illusion of connecting... It is sadly sadly true.
I have a lot to say and write about that, but that is a writing revolution for another day. Would love to hear how this plays out for you.... have you lost the ability to be intimate in person?
No worries... my little-blog-that-could will persevere. Likewise, I am thoroughly enjoying our conversations and thank you so much for writing. I enjoy your creativity and your anomania of course!!
Welp, SOIFA bound am I... happy Friday, happy New Year, and sweet dreams of Ingrid Bergman... :) Night, Rox
Have not read A General Theory of Love, but will add it to my queue, thanks for the rec! What’s the scoop with words like “welp and welly”? Is that Roxlish?
DeleteHappy to report, in both word and deed, I’ve not lost the ability to be intimate in person. It’s the when-where-with who thing, that is complicating. So, “too few hours”, while a lamo-excuse in some regards is, in other regards, entirely accurate. Yet, given the recent investment in SOIFAing, one could call BS on the “too few hours” rationale for diminished in-person intimate exchanges. My life is, as such, a contradiction of fantasy and practice. Ouch!
Welp, HNY in return Rox – may 2014 be excellent in many ways! And to you, sweet dreams of your IB equivalent… BT
BeeTees,
ReplyDeleteYou will loooooove this book. Let me know whatcha think. "Whatcha." That is another thing. Along with Welly and Welp.
I LOLdmAO when I read that! I have no idea where those came from. Even funnier that I never say them in person... at least I don't think I do. Welp? Welly? I don't even know anyone who says them or ever did. Not even my six year old and he says everything.
In fact, I'm not even conscious of writing them!
It must be, I would say, knowing me and the rhythmic writing trances I sometimes get into, that it is more the sounds and echoes they carry internally that places them on the page... something soothing about them, perhaps.. I will HAVE to start noticing if/when/how I speak them and why...
In any case, I find that you noticed that extremely hilarious and endearing. :)
Personally, I think we need intimate time with ourselves (SOIFA or otherwise) in order to balance/cultivate intimate time out there in the world, with others...little time as there is! (I call BS on my excuses all too often, but am getting good about reminding myself that it isn't as simple as taking a day (or several) for SOIFA automatically=not wanting to be intimate, etc. But it is easy for me to go there, to call myself out as not walking the talk, etc... But that's just old unhelpful story talking...
So, how can we be intimate with everyone and everything in the face of our quick-fix, quick-click world? This is a question I keep running into here in the Middle West. It's hard here. Folks don't do intimate so easily. I feel awfully out of place sometimes... What does intimate look like to you?
Is it talk of love? Talk of pain? Talk of numbers? Confessions? It is taking a hand or resting a palm on the heart of a stranger? Is it eye contact? Saying you're sorry? Is it disclosure? Is it saying No when that's really, really hard to do? Is it telling someone mid-conversation that you want this conversation to be more intimate? Is it no talk at all? Just... silence? Is it saying again, and again, and again... who are you BTs? Have we met? Is it asking for an honest reply even at the risk of abandonment?
Or... is it just the place we know so well in our dreams... that place back warm like the womb, where we fly and remember and find angels among us and realize in that moment we are dreaming and can do or say or be anything we want and then we run into IB and all our Hollywood friends and fantasies on the most idyllic full moon summer's night in blue paradise?
You see, BT, this is a good place for a welly or a welp. But instead, I'll just say Bon Nuit and look forward to our next intimate exchange here in the Matrix. So, bon nuit then, Rox
OMG Rox, I loved reading your reply! So much in it, not sure where to start – can’t/won’t cover it all. I placed an order this morning for A General Theory of Love. In re: to your request of advising “whatcha think”, I’ll LETCHA know!
Delete“Rhythmic writing trances”, geez where can I get some of that? I was thinking of heading to the MOA or checking out Amazon, but probably more likely to secure said condition at my neighborhood opium den. JK, drug scene is not my thing, I’d just been looking for an opportunity to use the phrase – “neighborhood opium den”, in a sentence! Merci!
What does intimate look like to me..? First off, some of your difficulty becoming intimate with Mid-Westerners is likely due to your strategy of placing your palm atop the heart of strangers. I’ve tried that a couple of times in the Mid-West, (in Duluth and Des Moines to be precise) and each time was slapped. You might want to reconsider, and if you feel compelled to rest your palm on strangers, begin with their feet, or at most their lower ankle. A much safer bet!
Seriously, most of what you identify meets my criteria for intimate exchange – disclosure and eye-contact, silence and talk of pain.., these four images move me. And, when in the right place and time, these are deliciously and exquisitely intimate. For sure the notion of stopping someone mid-conversation and telling them of a desire to make the conversation more intimate is a fine example of the risk-taking inherent with meaningful intimacy. Risk, risk, risk.
To your question of saying “again, and again, and again.., who are you BTs”? I am simply, anonymous. And, perhaps a figment of your imagination? In fact, some of your readership may believe that you Rox, are BT, and are working both sides of the dialogue thread and are having this rather attention getting conversation, with yourself. But, to those doubters who may suspect such a scheme, let me assure all, that Rox is not BT. I am BT, and I am not Rox. And this marginally-convoluted logic is the truth!
Is asking for an honest reply to –“have we met?”, risking abandonment? Yes, in other words, if I shed my anonymity in disclosure of my real identity, (which you may or may not know), I feel I risk abandonment by you, and of this blog-chatting thing. Therefore, I’ve decided to maintain my anonymity, being fully aware of the inequity it suggests, ie. I know something of you, and you know nothing of me. Yes, you may determine this inequity is sucky, and refrain from future interactions, and can’t say I wouldn’t blame you. But, am hopeful you won’t...
Welly, in closing, these chats do seem entirely intimate (even with an audience!), and I must say, they tend to give me quite the charge, and for that I thank you! Feels real. AOBT
Shucks, BTs, it's not one bit sucky! I love our groove here and it does feel very intimate. And funny—even I am a bit drawn to our plot line, wondering, as might a reader be, what might become of this charged little exchange. Tell me: if you were reading this (as though it were a movie), what might you hope would happen? How might the next scene hook the readers/viewers all the more? :) What are they rooting for? ...
ReplyDeleteOf course, ignorant as I am to the ways of the modern techie world, especially the way of the modern bloggin' world, I just assume no one ever reads these things since so few folks post!!! Is that a MidWest thing or am I simply speaking like one who has wrongly internalized the MW reserve to mean no one is out there?! Or.... are folks actually reading this?
I loooooooooove the idea that I am making up this dialogue, which I wouldn't (nor would a huge handful of my students) put past me.
And I love this exchange and even love that we for now and perhaps for-never shall see it in person writing together at the Beach Bench... imagination, mystery, curiosity, longing, etc... all good for the writer's soul... Thank you, BTs, for sharing, for writing, for intimacy here.
When you can or when you wish, please write of your intimate moments. We are losing sight out there of what this truly means... help me/us/they/you remember and remind before it becomes extinct! (This will make more sense when you read AGTOL! Yay! So glad you got it! Can't wait to hear your musings...)
Welly, off to the neighborhood opium den, den! Yes, it does ring round and sweet, does it not? A bit folksy even! Why is the debauched always so poetic?
Moi, I am only off to sweetland of dreams... night BTs, always here to dream and write beside you...
Greetings co-conspirator Rox, and welcome to 2014! My my my, but you continue to put me to the test with your queries regarding the dance that our posts have become! But that’s cool and I’m diggin’ it and will continue to return to the well for more! So, I’ll take a chance and reply to some part of what seems to drive your curiosity. Buckle up!
DeleteWhat in the next scene would hook the readers, what are they rooting for, and what would I hope would happen? I’ll lump this together, believing that what I hope for, is what the readers hope for and root toward. In other words, these perspectives (mine and the readers) are one of the same. What I want, is what the readers want – intrigue, the misty allure of uncertainty, seasoned with a wisp of yearning. Subtle messages, more implied, than spoken. The reader and I want to be lead by imagination, for the wondering is a pleasing intoxicant… A gentle massage of the senses, prompting a lifted eye-brow, rather that providing an answer. A modest shift in the chair, while reading an exchange, serving to offset a growing and visceral sensation.
The reader and I subscribe to the notion that an intimate exchange is not unlike an iceberg, what is apparent above the surface, is a wee percentage of what lay below the surface. And, if it is right, the imagination will provide definition and understanding of what is below. When it all becomes certain, then an intimate exchange begins to be ordinary, to bore, and to perhaps begin the process for the participants to commence (unknowingly so), their quest for new intimacy. It’s the theory that there is not “just one person” for each to relate to on an intimate level. Life will deliver many, many opportunities for intimate exchange. Those who are well-attuned will maximize the opportunities, while those who are poorly attuned will miss out. This is perhaps a cruel philosophy, but sitting here now, atop the SOIFA, that is what I feel. And think. And believe. And dammit, no napping just yet!
Why is the debauched always so poetic? Such an excellent question/discussion point! An isolated beach in the tropics, a European rooftop under a full moon, a church parlor – these are but a few settings for intimate encounters from the past, where one (or was it me?), enjoyed an intimate exchange that others might describe as full-on debauchery. Was it poetic? Oh God, oh yes. So dear Rox, do not let this become extinct. Own it, pursue it, risk it. We humans have evolved with this emotion thing, but it needs tending to prevent extinction – rely on intuition, on impulse, and on hunch.
AGTOL has not yet arrived, I guess even Amazon deserves a holiday! As such, I’ll have to get back to you on my impressions at a later time.
In closing, I send with these words to your blog page, with a warm heart and curious nature. And it is kind and noted, that my words are accepted (to date at least!), with your welcoming and curious nature, and your also seemingly warm heart. Good stuff indeed. Again, from the darkening cold of January, the Trees remain Bare. And to you, a New Years hug.
BTs! Thank you for this gorgeous post!
ReplyDeleteHave not forgotten about you... will be in touch soon. New Post coming soon too.... my brain is stranded, along with everything else.... Write with you soon again, Rox